Big Trouble in Little Chyna

First off, I am obese.

Yep, that's what the nurse from Kaiser said to me on Thursday.

There was this Health and Wellness Fair downstairs at my workplace and I went down to check it out. Got a five minute massage, had some sort of health shot of blended green stuff and then went over to the Kaiser Permanente booth. 

There I tested my grip, got my blood pressure read and my body fat tested.

So according to Kaiser I am 5'7", 201 pounds and obese.

The nurse circled the word right there in front of me and then said it.

"So according to this you're obese," as if I couldn't read the damn thing. "You need to exercise."

"Um, I workout at least 3 to 4 times a week," I say, trying not to be angry.

"Well how are your eating habits?"

"I try to eat just vegetables and protein."

"Well you should eat white rice, pasta, things to fill you up."

So like the total opposite of the Paleo diet. Anyway I think she knew I was getting upset because I was giving her the look that said, "I'm going to power clean you now so that you can see how strong I am and how not obese these muscles are." Instead I said thanks and left and made sure to take the slip of paper with the word "obese" circled on it with me for motivation.

Anyway, for the rest of the day I was like, that's it. I'm gonna eat MORE vegetables and do Ab Ripper X on my non-Crossfit days and then I'm taking that stupid Body Mass Index test again. 

My anger carried me into the next day. It was Good Friday and I had that off so I ran some errands and bought a big plastic container of grilled vegetables topped off with a kale salad from Mana Foods. And you know what? It was pretty damn good. I even bought a health drink that was made up of kale, celery, lemons and ginger. That stuff tasted like seawater. Oh well.

So I'm feeling good and rip roaring to go for the WOD that day. I feel lean and I'm kinda psyched because this is the sort of workout that I expected to do well in. AMRAP for 12 minutes: 5 upside down push-ups, 10 pull-ups and 20 double-unders. 

Yeah, the DU's were going to suck but I had a plan. Rip through the first two movements then try to concentrate on getting those DU's.

When I got there there was a whole crew there already, including some special friends from Union City, CA. Freddy Camacho Man Savage and Chyna "Halo Halo" Cho. They own Crossfit One World over there and are like Crossfit royalty. Freddy is a member of the Union City SWAT team because it's not manly enough to just own your own Crossfit gym. And Chyna is a walking, talking promotion for why women should workout at Crossfit instead of wasting time at Zumba.

No kidding man, she's built like Wonder Woman or She-Hulk or just name a female comic book superhero with a rockin bod and that's what she looks like. She is a professional bad ass and super-cool. All weekend long I was like a stupid little fanboy who got all excited at every interaction we had. My inner thoughts were retarded. If you could have heard them they would have sounded like this:

"Oooh, Chyna said hi to me."

"Oooh, Chyna laughed at something I said."

"Oooh, Chyna likes the name of my blog, "I HATE CARDIO."

I gotta admit I almost did a fist pump when she said that. It's just a huge compliment coming from her. She's just a total badass in the Crossfit world, like competed in the Crossfit Games and did really well kinda badass. Plus Freddy is a riot and both of them are just fun people to hang with. 

ANYWAY . . . where was I? Yeah, the Good Friday WOD.

We had a good group of people there and did two heats with the girls going first.

The whole time while watching the girls workout I was thinking, "Damn, 12 minutes is long frickin time." The girls rocked it though, even though Patty got WORKED doing pull-ups. Her hands were wrecked.

Then it was the guys turn and I realize that I'm working out with Freddy and Frank, who is the resident bad ass at RFM.

The whole time I'm thinking, stick with the plan, stick with the plan.

So we take off and I rip through the hand-stand push-ups and jump off the wall. Then I get on the pull-up bar and I am FLYING. I just got my pull-ups back last week and it felt like my muscles wanted to make up for lost time or something.

I'm first off the bar and grab the rope and DAMN IT!!!! I can't even get one DU going. It takes me so long to get 20 reps that Frank and  Freddy pass me by and are on their second rounds.

Ah crap. But I keep going and I notice that I'm not falling behind too much. Yeah those guys are ahead of me but I'm thinking maybe only by a round or two, which is pretty good for me. Usually the elite guys at the gym are like five or six rounds ahead while I suck wind.

But like I said, I'm feeling good. Maybe it's the kale salad or the image of the nurse circling the word "obese" in my mind but I'm pretty fired up.

And before I know it, the WOD is over. I got 6 rounds and 15 reps. I think Frank and Freddy got 8 rounds.

Not too shabby. Maybe I should eat kale more often.

In fact I was pretty stoked about my results. So when Ikaika came by and asked if I wanted to have a few beers I was like, "Yeah, that sounds great!"

Turns out  the whole crew was already heading to Wailuku First Friday and we headed  towards the beer garden.

This is Chyna and Lori outside the beer garden. Lori is short but not that short, Chyna's standing on a curb.

Afterwards people still wanted to hang out somewhere (because First Friday ends at 9) and I suggested Tiffany's.

Oh man, it was either the best idea I ever had or the worst. For me the best, for Bump the worst I think.

We get to Tiff's and grab a table. Freddy and Chyna get introduced to some local grinds while we grab more drinks and listen to karaoke. Frickin Freddy thought I was talking about some Japanese chick when I asked him if he liked karaoke. He said, "Who are you looking for? Kara Oki?" Mental.

Before too long some guy at the table next to us starts singing the C & K song "About You" which is the graduation song for Bumper and I. Right then Gary, another one of our classmates, comes by and points that out.

I look around and see another of our classmates, Lei,and so I say, "Hey, we should do a shot for the class of 90." Great idea. If we had stuck to just one shot that is.

What happened was that after I bought the shot each one of my fellow classmates said they needed to buy a shot as well. So we ended up doing four shots of tequila. For me that's just par for the course. I drink four shots and go home and watch Netflix and wake up with no hangover. 

For Bump though, it's a different story. He's a pretty healthy guy and while he is in shape at the gym, his liver is out of shape at the bar. Plus somehow he got talked into a fifth shot which I had nothing to do with.

(******THIS IS AN I HATE CARDIO EXCLUSIVE UPDATE: WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT BUMP HAD SIX SHOTS AT TIFFANY'S. REPEAT. BUMP HAD SIX SHOTS. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG.********)

At the end of the night he's pretty hammered. Everybody ends up in my truck and Kats drives all of us. Bump and Kristi get dropped off at home and I crash at Kats and Lori's place down the street.

And the next morning I wake up and feel great.

Which is a good thing because Saturday was this big WOD at War Memorial Stadium involving ALL the Crossfit gyms on Maui. 

It starts at 9 a.m. and I think Bump and Kristi didn't get there until 9:15 or something. He was hurting and I was kinda laughing. He looked at me like I gave him all five (SIX!!!!) shots. 

No sir, you are the master of your own destiny. Suck it up and let's get to the WOD.

So the WOD of the day for everyone was a 400 meter run, 50 air squats, 40 sit-ups, 30 double-unders, 20 push-ups and 10 lunges.  After that you do everything again but this time in reverse the order so you end with another 400 meter run.

Not bad, no weights so it wasn't going to be totally brutal. But the sun was a new factor because us RFMer's usually workout inside the gym. Hence Val's sunblock protection look via Al Quaeda.

Personally the sun felt like a hammer. Then again I did have four shots of tequila the night before. I wasn't hurting but I wasn't really operating at my peak either.

So I've never done a WOD with more than a 100 people before but it wasn't bad. I have no idea what my time was but I felt pretty good about it. In fact everybody did, except for Bump. Kats kept telling me how stoked he was that his brother was the drunk one this time instead of him.

Afterwards we headed off to Bistro Manila for some bomb halo-halo to cool ourselves off. Everybody had a blast.

Anyway, I'd like to thank my RFM fam for taking what started out to be a bad Thursday because of that obesity thing and turning it into a pretty rad time. In less than 24 hours I did two WOD's, got to hang out with Chyna and Freddy and saw my Crossfit coach get totally wasted.

In other words, it's been a great weekend.

Later gang,

Rod

PS - if Freddy and Chyna are reading this, you guys rock.